Be there and fix the problem
It was Sunday morning and I was in the car with my husband on the way to visit our parents. I got a SMS, “Lina do you have time to talk? I need your help” It was not a 911 phone call of course, but I thought I had to give my time for my friend. I replied the SMS, “Sure you can call me now”
On the other line, I heard my friend’s voice. He asked me about the school information. I gave him the information which I knew. He asked my opinion about sending his child to boarding school. I thought it should be a reason for that. The reasons were common things, the child had problem at school, the child needed to learn about responsibility, discipline and as parents they thought the best way to let other people teaching their child. I probably wear different glasses about parenting in common. I challenged my friend to think over again his decision about sending his child to a boarding school. We ended up with hours of discussion.
The discussion was about what parents have to do if their children have problem at school, discipline and responsibility. I heard many times some parents would rather send their children to boarding school and they expect their children will learn while they are far away from parents. My opinion on that case, I never agree to solve the problem by sending the children far away from home. Parents need to fix the problem first and need to find out what the root of the problem is. Sending the children without fixing the problem, it is just like avoiding the problem or running away from the real problem.
During the discussion we tried to find out the root of the problem. My friend and his wife are business people, they are busy to build the business for their family but they forgot their precious asset in their life is their children. At that time, my friend’s son said to me,” It was so frustrated when my dad said he couldn’t help me with my problem” I saw that boy wanted to make his dad proud of him, but his dad only focused on his weakness and mistake. I could imagine his feeling. That was probably the real problem.
I started to give my friend an illustration about his son’s problem. I suggested him to give his son a trust and hope in the same time. He needed to encourage his son to fix the problem together and he is willing to help in many ways. This is just like in business, where my friend needs to trust people who buy stuffs from him on Credit basis. If he can trust the buyers who come to him from nowhere how about giving the same trust to his son, whom he knows him very well. If he can see every credit transaction will give him a profit, so that is the same way he has to deal with his own son. I asked my friend, “Did you ever experience your customer cheats on you?” He said,” Yep some of them” I continued that even though he has been cheated by his customers but he kept his business, because he knew there were profits. Sometimes children make us upset as parents but don’t give up with them; we have to keep giving them the trust until we see the profits.
I also share another story with him. Have you ever seen the children like to come to their parents when they broke their toys? Or small kids like to drop their toys and they will be happy when we pick the toys up for them, then they will drop it again and again and they enjoy the time.
Deeply see into this simple action, children will come to their parents because they know they can not fix their problem by themselves and they know their parents can help them to fix it. Children like to play dropping and picking up toys with their parents because they know their parents will always ready to help picking up their toys again. Children grow by learning to trust their parents. Children learn that parents are the first person who will help them. While they were toddler, we were happy to help them and played with them. We fixed their toys and we picked up their toys again and again and we enjoyed their game. Now where are we when they make mistake in their life as teenagers?
When the children mess up their life, when the children make mistakes, when they fail in their life… Are we there for them? Are we the same parents who like to sit down and to fix the toys? Are we the same parents whom the children know?
I said to my friend,” Be a better parent for your children. Be there and fix their mistake together. They will be better children for you. Spend your time with them” My friend’s wife said, “I am busy Lina, I have to help in the office” I said,” You can hire three accountants to take care of your work, but no one can replace you as a mom for your children. As parents we need to build our children character. Now only time and your love will fix the problem”
As it is written by Elle Macpherson
“Anyway, I believe you don't fix the inside by putting something on the outside”
I also believe the same thing; we can not cover our children problems by sending them away. We need to work in their mind and heart. I can give that suggestion to my friend not because I am better than them, but I just want to pass the blessing that I have in life. I have spent my time with my daughters and I would never change those experiences with anything else in the world. Children will learn from their parents how to solve their problem and they will carry on our style of parenting to their next generation. That is the most important for us as parents that we should lead our children by good example.
After months I got good news from my friend, he fixed the problem with his son and he is happy now. I am happy for him too. I know they can be good parents for their children. They just need to open their heart and mind, that money can not buy their children’s heart and love. I am blessed to have the opportunity to share with my friends and I hope I can keep passing my blessing.
Recommend to your children virtue; that alone can make them happy, not gold.
Ludwig van Beethoven
**Lina Kartasasmita**
17 February 2011 at 10.39 AM
On the other line, I heard my friend’s voice. He asked me about the school information. I gave him the information which I knew. He asked my opinion about sending his child to boarding school. I thought it should be a reason for that. The reasons were common things, the child had problem at school, the child needed to learn about responsibility, discipline and as parents they thought the best way to let other people teaching their child. I probably wear different glasses about parenting in common. I challenged my friend to think over again his decision about sending his child to a boarding school. We ended up with hours of discussion.
The discussion was about what parents have to do if their children have problem at school, discipline and responsibility. I heard many times some parents would rather send their children to boarding school and they expect their children will learn while they are far away from parents. My opinion on that case, I never agree to solve the problem by sending the children far away from home. Parents need to fix the problem first and need to find out what the root of the problem is. Sending the children without fixing the problem, it is just like avoiding the problem or running away from the real problem.
During the discussion we tried to find out the root of the problem. My friend and his wife are business people, they are busy to build the business for their family but they forgot their precious asset in their life is their children. At that time, my friend’s son said to me,” It was so frustrated when my dad said he couldn’t help me with my problem” I saw that boy wanted to make his dad proud of him, but his dad only focused on his weakness and mistake. I could imagine his feeling. That was probably the real problem.
I started to give my friend an illustration about his son’s problem. I suggested him to give his son a trust and hope in the same time. He needed to encourage his son to fix the problem together and he is willing to help in many ways. This is just like in business, where my friend needs to trust people who buy stuffs from him on Credit basis. If he can trust the buyers who come to him from nowhere how about giving the same trust to his son, whom he knows him very well. If he can see every credit transaction will give him a profit, so that is the same way he has to deal with his own son. I asked my friend, “Did you ever experience your customer cheats on you?” He said,” Yep some of them” I continued that even though he has been cheated by his customers but he kept his business, because he knew there were profits. Sometimes children make us upset as parents but don’t give up with them; we have to keep giving them the trust until we see the profits.
I also share another story with him. Have you ever seen the children like to come to their parents when they broke their toys? Or small kids like to drop their toys and they will be happy when we pick the toys up for them, then they will drop it again and again and they enjoy the time.
Deeply see into this simple action, children will come to their parents because they know they can not fix their problem by themselves and they know their parents can help them to fix it. Children like to play dropping and picking up toys with their parents because they know their parents will always ready to help picking up their toys again. Children grow by learning to trust their parents. Children learn that parents are the first person who will help them. While they were toddler, we were happy to help them and played with them. We fixed their toys and we picked up their toys again and again and we enjoyed their game. Now where are we when they make mistake in their life as teenagers?
When the children mess up their life, when the children make mistakes, when they fail in their life… Are we there for them? Are we the same parents who like to sit down and to fix the toys? Are we the same parents whom the children know?
I said to my friend,” Be a better parent for your children. Be there and fix their mistake together. They will be better children for you. Spend your time with them” My friend’s wife said, “I am busy Lina, I have to help in the office” I said,” You can hire three accountants to take care of your work, but no one can replace you as a mom for your children. As parents we need to build our children character. Now only time and your love will fix the problem”
As it is written by Elle Macpherson
“Anyway, I believe you don't fix the inside by putting something on the outside”
I also believe the same thing; we can not cover our children problems by sending them away. We need to work in their mind and heart. I can give that suggestion to my friend not because I am better than them, but I just want to pass the blessing that I have in life. I have spent my time with my daughters and I would never change those experiences with anything else in the world. Children will learn from their parents how to solve their problem and they will carry on our style of parenting to their next generation. That is the most important for us as parents that we should lead our children by good example.
After months I got good news from my friend, he fixed the problem with his son and he is happy now. I am happy for him too. I know they can be good parents for their children. They just need to open their heart and mind, that money can not buy their children’s heart and love. I am blessed to have the opportunity to share with my friends and I hope I can keep passing my blessing.
Recommend to your children virtue; that alone can make them happy, not gold.
Ludwig van Beethoven
**Lina Kartasasmita**
17 February 2011 at 10.39 AM
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